Joker's Chocolate Puddin' (short read)
by Schadenfreude Bae
Summary: Everybody poops, whether you are a hero or a villian, but what happens when Joker can't poop? I was going to do a Harley x Joker pregnancy FanFiction, but it's not really an original plot line, So I thought that I would go where no FanFictioner has gone before! The Joker gets constipation! (Sounds stupid and childish, but it's a unique plot!) I may have rushed it a bit too much.


Harley felt around the bed for Joker, but after failing to feel his warmth and realising that he was absent, immediately forced her to wake up.

She sat up on the bed for a few moments, with her duvet up to her chest whilst she decided whether to go back to sleep or not, which she quickly made her decision and decided that she would get up and get dressed.

She then got up and glanced at the time, it was exactly 8:30am.

'So where is Joker?' She thought.

getting rather worried.

She then grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom to get dressed, but just as she opened the door,

"Harley!" Yelled a familiar voice "I'm crapping here!"

Harley quickly closed the door in embarrassment, It was definitely Joker.

She always knew that he'd come back for her if he ever went away some where, but she still got anxious sometimes when he wasn't around.

"Are you okay Puddin'?" She asked.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" He snapped.

"Okay then" She replied "but I kind of need to pee, I mean I'm not rushing you or anything but..."

The sound of the toilet flushing cut her off which then the bathroom door swung open and there appeared Joker looking pissed.

"It's all yours" He said gesturing his hand towards the bathroom.

"Uhhh thanks...sorry about before, I'll knock next time" She said awkwardly as she bit her lip.

"It's fine" He said.

Joker opened the wardrobe door and took out a shirt.

"You were up early" Harley's voice muffled from the bathroom, trying to make conversation "Usually I'm awake before you"

"Yeah" He grumbled as he scavenged for his black jeans.

"So...Have you got anything planned today?" She asked innocently.

"No not really" He replied as he pulled up his jeans.

"Great! I was thinking we could go out for some breakfast...then maybe we could have some fun together".

"Not hungry and not feeling like it" He shot back.

"You're in a bad mood today. Wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?" She asked playfully.

"No, I just don't feel like it okay!" He snapped back as he buttoned up his shirt.

Harley then reappeared from the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bed "Well I'm kind of hungry anyway, and we don't exactly have much in the fridge, maybe _I_ could just get something" She suggested.

Joker took a few moments to respond "Okay then" He sighed.

"Geez! What is up with you today?" She giggled.

When Harley had finally gotten dressed and put her make up on, the two of them then headed out into the city to have breakfast.

"Where do you want to go then?" Joker asked as he drove along the road into the city centre.

"Hmmmm...I don't know, We could go to McDonald's or that pancake place, I don't really care really, Just go where ever is closest because I'm starving"

"What ever you say Princess" He said as he stepped on the gas "Pancake Plaza it is then".

A few minutes later they had arrived at Pancake Plaza and were already sitting inside waiting for their order to be taken.

"I wish I had taken that expresso machine" Harley sighed as she watched the waitress handing someone their coffee and reminiscing smell of roasted coffee beans in the morning.

"I can buy you another one, a better one even, if you want" Joker said as he held her hands across the table.

"Thanks, Your so sweet" She said as they both were about lean in to kiss.

"Can I take your order?" Interrupted the rude fat waitress, Their lips never even touched.

"Ummm... Can I have the banana and chocolate chip pancakes please" Harley said as the waitress scribbled words on her notepad, "Oh, and maybe a Dr. Pepper, What about you J?" She asked.

"I...don't think I'll get anything for the time being" He responded.

"Oh. Are you sure?" Harley asked with worry.

"Fine then, I'll have some grape juice, perhaps some with prunes in?

I'll be right back, I'm going to the bathroom" and like that Joker had dismissed himself and had gone.

 _'Why is he acting so strange...lately, is he masturbating in there or something'_ Harley thought curiously.

15 minutes later, Joker had returned and Harley had already shovelled down half of her meal,

"Where have you been!" She cried as she put down her knife and fork.

"Just to the bathroom, why?" Joker asked innocently as he tried to hide the truth.

"Are you sick or something?" She bickered.

"No" Joker said calmly, acting as if she was being paranoid.

"You were in there for almost half an hour, That ain't normal babe"

"Keep your voice down!" He snapped.

"Then why were you spending that long in the bathroom" She demanded, "you weren't taking drugs were you?"

Damn, Harley could be so demanding and persuasive sometimes.

So Joker sat down and took a sip from his drink and decided to tell her, since he didn't want his little puddin' to worry about him.

"I can't poop" He whispered discreetly.

"So your constipated!" Harley shrieked with laughter, As if someone had just told her some juicy gossip or something.

"Shhhh!" He hissed putting two fingers onto her lips.

"When did it-"

"Can we just change the topic now"

"But-"

"Please"

"Whatever you say Mr. J" She said pointing with her fork as she went back to finishing off her pancakes.

"When we go back to our apartment, Can I drive back?" She asked him.

"What? No!"

"Pleaaase!" She moaned "You always drive, you dick"

"Fine" Joker said as he rolled his eyes "But any scratches on my car and your dead. Just kidding, why would I care? But just don't fucking crash, okay?"

Harley grinned and nodded as she took her last mouthful of the pancakes and putting down her knife and fork.

"So, have you thought about going to a doctor?"

"What? Harley! I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, End of discussion!" he snapped.

"Hahaha, I'm sorry!" She cackled as they fell into an awkward silence again.

"I was thinking of getting my nose pierced, do you think it would look good?" Harley asked.

"Well I'm more of a tattoo person myself but sure! Why not?" He replied.

The waitress then came back to collect Harley's plate, except it was a different waitress this time who was a bit younger and much more polite.

"How was your meal?" The waitress asked as she picked up Harley's plate and empty glass.

"Very nice thank you" She told the waitress.

"Good" She smiled.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom before we leave" Joker announced.

"Ohhh yeah, my colleague overheard you had constipation" The kind waitress said.

"You know what" Joker yelled as he slammed his hands onto the table "Forget it! Come on Harley, We're leaving!"

"I'm sorry, It was rude of me to say that" The waitress apologised, but Joker was already determined to leave, so he took some cash out of his pockets and threw it on the table, he then grabbed Harley's arm and they both proceeded to the exit.

The two of them went back to the car and Harley plonked herself in the driver's seat.

"Keys" She grinned as she held out her hand.

"Here" Joker replied as he handed them over and then took a seat in the passenger seat next to her.

Harley slipped her heels off and adjusted the seat and then began to turn the key.

Joker was a bit unsure whether he trusted her with his car, but I guess they could always pull over and they could switch places if he felt uncomfortable.

The engine had started and Harley was going to back out of the space, but then she remembered something that stopped her.

She opened the compartment under the dashboard and took out a CD.

"You're not putting that on are you?" Joker moaned glancing over at her choice.

"I won't put it on too loud" Harley argued as she slipped it into the CD player.

"Okay! Let's go!" She said cheerfully as she began to pull out of the space and get onto the main road, but it wasn't that long until they stopped again, it was a traffic jam.

"Hey! What gives!" She yelled as she joined the massive line of cars.

"I heard that there was a music festival on at 2PM outside town, they're probably all trying to get their early to get the best places" Joker suggested.

"Yeah, Maybe, That sucks"

"And road works" Joker said as he pointed to a crane that was on the road ahead.

Just as they thought things couldn't get any worse, they did, a lot worse!

"Oh...fuck" Joker mumbled as his stomach began to rumble loudly.

"You alright puddin'?" She asked as they waited in the traffic jam.

"No..." He grunted "I need to shit!"

"Oh" Harley giggled "Well let's hope it's just a false alarm because we are gonna be here for a while".

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He muttered under his breathe as he clenched his stomach "It's not a false alarm! Harls, can we stop somewhere, just anywhere please! I'll even find a bush if I have to!" Joker yelled desperately.

"We can't, we are literally in the middle of nowhere! No trees, No bushes, no nothin', you'll just have to wait" She told him.

Joker grinded his teeth in anger, although he knew it was no use getting angry because there really wasn't anything Harley could do.

"Just step on it!" He yelled angrily, referring to the accelerator.

"I guess I could just take a shortcut and go through that field" she grinned devilishly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever! Just do it!" He snapped.

"Okay then, hold on!" She said as she drove out of the traffic and into the bumpy field.

"We should come out at the main road again...I hope"

Unfortunately though, Joker's car wasn't really meant for driving on mud, so it kept sinking into the mud.

"Ooh!" Harley chimed "I think there is a gas station on the road that we're heading towards"

"Great!" He groaned.

"Shit!" Harley said as the car had gotten stuck in a ditch again.

"Never mind, we're out, were almost there too, sit tight pumpkin!" She said as the car plowed through the field.

"Ew, Cows" she muttered as she plugged her nose.

"Wait a second, there's no cows in this field" she realised, turning to Joker who was looking red and guilty.

"You haven't have you?" She asked widening her eyes.

The Joker didn't answer though, but she could tell that by his guilty expression that he had.

"Are you kidding me!" She yelled, she wasn't exactly angry with him, she actually found it quite amusing, but at the same time she was shocked and felt guilty that he would ever do such a thing, and that if she had taken a different route it wouldn't have happened.

Harley drove out of the field and was back onto the road which evidently, the gas station was across the road.

Harley quickly pulled up there, even though she knew it was too late anyway.

"Do you still want to go to the bathroom?" She asked.

"No" he replied shamefully.

"Okay" Harley replied "I might buy some red bull because we're all out, do you want anything?"

"You could get me some wet wipes and some disinfectant for when we get back" He suggested "Oh and a cucumber!"

"A cucumber?"

"Yeah, Cucumbers always cheer me up" He told her.

"I swear I learn something new about you everyday" she laughed as she opened the car door to go into the gas station's store.

As soon as they got to the apartment, Joker waddled straight to the bathroom with his wet wipes and disinfectant, as well as a towel and some baby powder and thankfully not his cucumber.

Harley quickly got over her guilt and instead began teasing him about it.

Harley knocked on the bathroom door playfully "Need any help in there, babe?" She giggled.

"Fuck off, Harley" He responded angrily, as expected.

"Look at the bright side, at least your shitting again" She teased, but Joker still wasn't amused.

 _Later that evening_ , Harley and Joker sat in their apartment living room.

Harley was lounging on the couch with her laptop, whilst Joker was polishing of the last of his cucumber with some hummus.

"I can't believe you've eaten a whole cucumber" Harley said as she peered at him behind the laptop screen.

"What can I say, I like cucumbers" Joker mused as he sucked the hummus off of the remaining piece of cucumber.

"What are you doing on there anyway Puddin?" He asked.

"Oh nothing..." She hummed,

"You seem to be doing a lot of typing" Joker observed as he got up out of his chair to take a peek, but Harley quickly closed the laptop as he got within a metre of distance.

"Harley! What are you doing?" he snapped.

"Nothing!" She smirked as she pulled the laptop up to her chest. angrily as he snatched the laptop with his GoPro camera still connected and dangling down from it.

He forcefully opened it up to find she was on a YouTube video which was titled; 'Mista J's Chocolate Puddin' disaster'.

"What's this?" He grunted as he assessed the webpage.

"You filmed the whole journey!" He yelled.

"Yeah, Cos It was funny!" She snickered as she got up from the couch "It's not public though, I swear! I only sent the link to a few people"

"There's more than a thousand views!" He shouted furiously.

"Well I guess they must have shared the link with _their_ friends"

"You realise how embarrassing that was for me!" He yelled getting closer to her face, but Harley's grin remained unfazed.

"If it helps, nobody at the prison saw the video - They're all dead. Did I tell you the story on how Amanda Waller accidentally sat on her phone and killed them all? It's a good thing you disconnected me from that or else I'd-"

"That's not the point!" He roared as he scrolled down the webpage "Have you seen these comments!" he said pointing at the laptop again.

"Well no, Not all of them, In fact I was just replying to one of them until you grabbed it off me" She complained.

She went over to have a look, glancing over his shoulder,

 **SlickRick98** \- _LOL what a retard!_

 **PopoIvy** \- _ahahahahhahahahahaahahaha, dayum! Bitch u need a real man, hope to talk to you soon Harls xoxoxo_

 **BruceW** \- _It happens to the best of us mate, or should I say, the worst of us._

 **MandyWaller** \- _I would track you down and arrest you again, but honestly; I changed my mind after watching this video_

"You're deleting this right now!" Joked demanded "and I want to watch you do it"

"Okay..." Harley sighed, still grinning childishly.

Harley took the laptop and sat back down on the couch as Joker watched over her shoulder.

"A little space, babe" She told him "You're breathing down my neck. Can't I just keep one copy?"

"No!" he shot.

"D'awww, It would be a great video to show on our wedding day"

"If you don't delete it then we won't have a wedding day" He argued.

Harley pressed the delete button, and also deleted it off her documents.

She then closed the laptop and looked up to Joker who was still staring at her.

"I love you" she giggled shyly.

"You too" He said as he placed his hands on her shoulders.

 **The End**

 ** _(A/N: But don't worry! It's never the end on FanFiction, I still have many other stories I've wrote which can be found on my profile!_**

 ** _I also cut a lot of scenes out of this FanFiction when I was proof reading it, because I just didn't think they were very good, but it's a shame to just delete them completely, so I may post another chapter with all of the deleted scenes)_**


End file.
